Somehow last year ended, a decade said sayonara, this year started, and I didn’t wake up in 2020 as a new person with a new perspective on life, filled with lists of things I want to change or do or accomplish. What did happen was this: I woke up, had a damn good cup of coffee, read a few books to my son, and for some reason, my brain’s been spinning ever since.
So, figured I’d attempt to get some of those thoughts out there, plus I just like to write like this. Thoughts, random, somewhat coherent, but you know just gotta make sense of them before they drive me nuts. 20 seems like a good amount, plus it’s 2020.
Ready, set, here comes some mental regurgitation on my keyboard…
1: I didn’t do a single resolution. If anything my main goal is to be kinder to myself this year. And maybe part of that is accepting who I am, and learning to have fun with her.
2: Ok, I lied, I have a goal/thing I’m working on daily: To consume less and create more.
3: Let’s expand on that a bit: What fills me up is creating – whether that’s my art, writing, random crafts, memories or photography. What drains me like none other, is mindlessly checking out what everyone is saying, doing, wearing, or how I’m measuring up to it all. I’ll let you guess what I’ve let consume more of my time. It’s nauseating how much time I’ve lost accomplishing nothing but making a big ‘ol dent in my motivation and confidence. I could’ve published a few books, painted enough to make a gallery, or I dunno, at least have an organized house.
4: Which reminds me, I need to get this book out of my head and onto some paper in the next 300 days (you know, leaving you a few left more to buy it for Gifts.) It’s all there, it just needs to be organized, tweaked and slapped together in between some covers.
5: Oh yeah I’m turning 40 this year. What. Wait…
6: I have no problem with the number, in fact, I think it’s kind of cool – I just want to know where the last decade of my life went. The good thing is you can read this blog and see…how time flies and life changes.
7: Speaking of changes, I don’t know why I feel the need to apologize for this, but I do. Here you go: I am sorry I do not live on the beach anymore and write about cool new swimwear lines all the time. It’s out of my control and trust me, I will still wear swimwear and travel to places where it’s worn year-round whenever possible.
8: Ok back to the whole 40 thing – I’m not THAT into my birthday but I want to do something cool for it – like hike Mt. Kilimanjaro (Or something like that) or go on a mission/do some global charity work…or just go to Bora Bora and sit in the ocean all week. For my 30th I had funfetti tailgating in the parking lot at a UH football game.
9: Come to think of it…that was actually pretty sweet. I love funfetti. And it was in stellar company. And I was in Hawaii.
10: Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure with the doing something big for 40 things – It just would be cool. But so would just making sure I do one thing out of the ordinary this year…or any year.
11: But then what’s the pressure for? Is it just something cool to write about or share? I’m asking myself that so much lately – what’s the innate reason so many of us are doing the things we do – if the internet and social media didn’t exist would I still be wanting do it? I think the answer is usually yes, and I’m so grateful I have a platform to share it. But still, is good thing to think about. Do we love it, or are we doing it for validation? Inspiration is cool, so is motivation and creative outlets, but just something to ponder.
12: Insert awesome quote here: “Climb the mountain so you can see the world. Not so the world can see you.”
13: It seems like I’ve been in some hamster wheel the past few years where I was just trying to run and work as hard as I can, but not really sure what I was trying to get to or go. I was just trying to not give up: on my work, on myself, to deal with the moves and changes, but still kind of keep on going. So looking back, every painting was a victory, every poem a pat on the back, every post a win, Regardless of how it was all received.
14: Is this where I talk about having a four-year-old? Yes, yes it is. It’s a total blast.
15: I don’t like to half-ass anything. So you bet I’m gonna give him my all. Life is a crazy, fun, and messy ride with this little guy. I love learning with him, teaching him, laughing with him, his belly laugh that hasn’t changed, figuring out more ways to be patient, and the big hugs when he “just needs to get some cries out.” I don’t want to miss any of it trying to keep up with whatever the world is telling me I need to be. I’m also guilty of letting the gal Sports Clips cut too much hair off of his glorious mop. Thankfully three days later it’s already starting to grow back.
16: I said the last decade flew by, but the last four years raising a kiddo flew by and back around again.
17: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I am my own worst critic. Maybe I’ll start to accept that and realize no one on the planet is scrutinizing my every move as a wife, mom, artist, writer, blogger, as the voice between my ears. So hopefully I’ll finally realize it’s there, tell it to shut up and learn to give myself a mental hug from time to time. Maybe I’ll teach that voice to lighten up and laugh at itself more often too.
18: Speaking of Mental – gotta just say Seasonal Affective Disorder is real and it got me/is getting me. It’ s hard to put into words but it was a mixture of feeling like I was treading water in molasses and had dumbells embroidered on my eyelids. I’ve also never cried at so many movie trailers in my life. The main thing that’s helping? Working out every day, and getting outside – rain or shine, foggy (I actually really like foggy days here) or snowy (looking forward to some snow. Fingers crossed.)
19. The more I get out and explore the region, the more I’m seeing its beauty. Especially this time of year. There’s just some moodiness to it all. Just gotta get out of the city. I am definitely more of a wide-open, being outnumbered by trees kinda gal. And traffic. Oh, it sucks the life out of me.
20: Life is good. La vie est belle and it’s crazy, but I like it that way. Plus, it’s all so much more fun when I take it day by day, make the most of it, don’t overthink it.
…but damn, it still feels good to sit down and write some of those thoughts out.
There’s more. Many more, but for now this will do.
2020 I’m looking forward to having a fun little zero expectations, let’s see what kind moves you’ve got, dance with you.
*If you made it to the end of this post, I thank you. That was a long one.
*Photo above was taken a few days ago on a (Gasp) rainy day. I just stepped out to take a breath of fresh air and was like wow this blanket rocks my world (thanks mom)…then like an a-hole went a grabbed my camera.