If there is a man who has seen his fair share of swimsuits, it’s my husband. And if there is one person on the planet who is very opinionated about swimwear, it’s my husband. I’ve been meaning to interview him about his thoughts on this subject for…a few years now. Well, the other day, when we were getting ready to go to the beach and he disagreed with the suit I was going to wear…the opportunity arose for him to finally share his thoughts.
Instead of composing a formal interview, I thought I’d do my best to recap the conversation. Because I found it to be rather amusing. And I’m kind of wanting to kick myself for not recording it.
Please keep in mind that my husband is a coach, and does not have the ability to sugar-coat anything (I swear, it’s in his genes). And these are just a few of the reasons I love him.
So here’s how the conversation went…
Me: Ok, let me know 10 thoughts you have on swimwear. Is that ok?
Husband: Yes. One: Don’t wear light colored solids.
Husband: The suits get wet and everyone can see your goods. Cover your Nipples. Cover your Crotch. No one wants to see your areola.
Me: (laughing) Wait, I need a to get something to write everything down with.
Husband: Patterns. Patterns are GOOD. Wear patterns.
Me: Wait…Ok. Got that. Next?
Husband: High Waisted bottoms are not flattering to anyone. Same goes for jean shorts and jeans.
Me: So no high waisted bottoms?
Husband: No. I don’t know who even came up with that trend. Or why.
Me: Well I think they look cute sometimes.
Me: Ok what else?
Husband: If you are designing bikinis and you aren’t living somewhere where you are in a bikini all the time, you shouldn’t be designing bikinis.
Me: Like if you are in Minnesota?
Husband: Yeah. All bikinis should be designed in Hawaii or Brazil or something. And everyone should take notes from those places.
Me: Good point.
Husband: Also, be sure to have good posture when you’re wearing a swimsuit (I was slouching as I was writing my notes…wearing a bikini), and if you have a good butt, flaunt it. Same for boobs.
Me. Really? Ok.
Husband: Am I done?
Husband: What am I at?
Husband. Can I just do five?
Me. Nope. And those last two weren’t even about swimwear.
Husband. Well they were good points.
Me. Yep. Ok, what about bandeaus?
Husband. Bandeaus are weird. They’re not for everyone.
Me: Like me?
Husband. Yeah, if you have really broad shoulders they look uncomfortable.
Me: Good point.
Me: Ok…What’s your favorite kind of bikini bottom.
Husband: Boyshort bottoms. Like those old Billabong boy short bottoms you had.
Me: I don’t remember those.
Husband: I do. They looked really good.
Me: Ok. What’s you least favorite?
Husband: Those bottoms you just had on a minute ago. (They were High waisted)
Me: Ok I get the point. What about nude colored bikinis.
Husband: They make me uncomfortable. Especially if it’s my wife wearing it.
Me: So I shouldn’t wear this one to the beach today? (I pick out a nude crochet bikini.)
Husband: No. Wear patterns. Patterns are good.
Me: So what’s your favorite bikini I own?
Husband: Hold on, I have a few saved on my Facebook page…
Husband: Yeah, I think I took the pics too. One sec…
Husband: Here. This one’s my favorite. I like the colors.
Me. But that’s a bandeau top. And it’s two solids.
Husband. Yeah but it’s Hawkeye colors.
(We both went to the University of Iowa. And is where we met. In the pic I was wearing solid black bottoms and a solid golden yellow bandeau top.)
Me: (laughing) Seriously?
Husband: Yeah. Go Hawks.
Me. Ok, what’s the other one?
Husband: This one. See…Patterns.
Me: Yeah I liked that suit. It was the first one I bought when we moved to Hawaii.
Husband: What happened to it?
Me: I wore it so much it died. I don’t even remember who made it. It was Rip Curl or O’Neill…
Husband. Yeah, I liked the stripes. And it was sporty. And this is a good pic of you.
Me: Well thanks for saving it.
Husband: Are we done?
Me: Almost. Anything else?
Husband: Guys like muscles. Lift weights. Lift heavy weights.
Me: Ok we’re done.
Husband: Patterns. Wear patterns.
Me: I got that.
So, now you know, if you see me out and about in a solid pastel high waisted bandeau bikini. It’s more than likely my husband isn’t with me that day.
Sunglasses by toms. They are Husband approved too.