Somehow it’s already been four months with this little dude. Since my brain isn’t quite mush anymore, and it’s more like steel cut oats, I wanted to write about four thoughts I have about motherhood so far. In short: My heart feels like it’s gong to explode, I’m having a blast, I wish I had a clone, and Levi has great hair.
If you want more in depth analysis, here you go…
It’s fun,
Really though, it’s a blast. I can honestly say I am having fun. In unprecedented ways. I swear, just sitting and staring at each other while making noises or me having a one sided conversation, is somehow fun. Or, take today for example: I was totally cracking myself up walking around the grocery store, talking to Levi and getting him to laugh at me while I was picking up clorox wipes, ginger ale and avocados. I had a good time. Then we went home, he had a meltdown, and wouldn’t nap. But for some odd reason, caring for him through that was somehow…fun.
I was getting a doughnut the other day, and the lady in line behind me was 38 weeks pregnant, so, of course we started talking, and I instinctively looked at Levi, smiled, and said, “It’s so much fun.” Followed by, “These doughnuts look amazing.” They were good doughnuts. And she and her husband seemed excited to hear something other than “Enjoy your sleep while you can.”
Maybe it’s because there is just so much newness. And new experiences, to me, are exciting and…fun.
But I’m having a helluva good time. And I am pretty sure my husband is too.
It’s lonely,
I consider myself an extremely independent person. I travel alone, eat alone, go to movies alone, and honestly, from time to time prefer to be alone or in secluded places than somewhere packed with people. So, this is a different kind of lonely. It’s not that I’m wishing someone else was around all the time, (ok maybe for a hour during the week so I can surf), or that I have a lack of close friends or people to hang with. It’s more like this: I wish there was almost a clone of Levi and I that lived in walking distance, who was pretty much in the same situation, phase of life, a fellow beach bum/water gal, and loved doing the same things I did. So we could hang, watch each others babies, not feel guilty, not have to explain anything, not spend money, and know exactly what to say to make each other feel better. If that makes sense.
Being a new mom can be a bit isolating, especially if you have moved a bunch, and don’t have family nearby. Maybe it’s time to find some sort of moms group, or branch out, or bug my friends a bit more often, or make my mom or sister fly out more. You know the saying, “It takes a village…” well it does. And at times my village feels like it consists of a small two bedroom bungalow with beige walls.
So there’s that.
It’s Different
Yes, beach outings (and all outings) require quite a bit more planning and organization, and are different. But it’s pretty cool lying next to him in the sand (he’s underneath a strategically placed umbrella), when he falls asleep holding my finger. And I am amazed at how content I am doing nothing but sit and watch him figure out more about life each day. Yes, he’s almost starting to bite his toes now. It’s fascinating.
Then theres a few other things off the top of my head: I now have to check a bag when I fly somewhere for more than a weekend (I used to be a devout carry-on-bag-only gal), because Levi is my carry on. I’ve never given my boobs so much attention since they started being the source of food for another human being. I haven’t worn an underwire bra in four months (yay comfy sportsbras and sporty bikini tops). I am the lightest sleeper ever. Amazon Prime is my BFF. I haven’t opened a book in four months (not proud of this, but I fall asleep after one paragraph), I think Ergobaby carriers are one of the top 5 greatest inventions (up there with electricity), my hair is falling out in such unprecedented amounts that I have no clue how I’m not bald. I have a new appreciation for undereye concealer…and if you told me I need to give up coffee I’d curl up in a ball and whimper like a baby harp seal abandoned in Antarctica.
Yup. Quite different. But in a good way.
It’s Emotional.
Yay hormones. No, but really, so many emotions are flying, all the time. Some hormone induced, some not. The love I feel for my husband is unprecedented. (Big Guy, little baby. Swoon.) The fear I feel when Levi suddenly wakes up screaming. The guilt when I dropped my cellphone on his head because I needed juuuust one more pic. (Unfortunately this has happened more than once.) The anxiety before our first flight. (And relief when it was over.) The amusement watching Levi and Kili interact (dogs and babies are the coolest.) The joy of seeing how much he loves being in the water. And finally, the pride when I get to run my fingers through his awesome, I’m telling my stylist to color it this color next time I go to the salon, hair.
So yup. It’s a big ‘ol emotional roller coaster. And those are just a few off the top of my head.
Which I am pretty sure is the norm. And it keeps on changing with each month, year, and milestone. And probably gets better, and crazier, as well.
So I’ll keep on keeping my head up, learning, trying not to blink too much, embracing it, finding reasons to laugh, letting the tears roll when they want, and thanking the big guy upstairs for this little chubby, amazingly coiffed, blessing.
And figuring out a cute new lob ‘do. Because my hair situation is nuts.
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings on life. Now, off to give my oatmeal brain a break.
Love,
Rebekah