It’s 12:06 am on a Friday night. I haven’t been able to sleep at all lately, and figured maybe if I just write a few things down it will clear out my mind to just zone out a dream for 6 hours. Plus it feels weird not writing much about… you know, the thing that’s throwing the world for a spin. So, think of this as a journaling sleep aid.
Other than a montage on the Today Show that caused a few tears to well up, I’ve been a little bit numb. It’s honestly a bit creepy. I feel like I’ve been injected with an emotional tranqulizer…that makes it hard to sleep. But easy to zone out and shop for overpriced sweats. (I’m learning cozy cotton is just how I cope with life.)
But there are still the different frustrations we’re all feeling and heartache I feel for others. Just trying to put myself in, let’s say my sister in law’s shoes (she’s an ER doc in Nashville) is mind-boggling. There are so many people going through some heavy stuff right now, and I try and put myself in their shoes. Then I immediately feel guilty for how simple my days are. So there’s that too.
Note: I can’t thank anyone working on the front lines enough. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. I saw a cool video where a family was leaving red bulls and a thank you note for their delivery peeps. I might need to try that one out.
Then there’s the news. Whenever I watch a minute of any news outlet, I immediately wish I could somehow unwatch 99% of it. It also kind of feels like we’re all gradually turning into a Bill Murray movie marathon and all they’re playing is What About Bob or Groundhog Day.
But I mean this is all unprecedented stuff, it calls for unprecedented hard to wrap your head around feelings, right?
The other thing is, this really made me realize how isolated my life has been for quite a few years. Aside from going to the YMCA, hiking with Levi, and traveling, not much has changed in quarantine life. That part is creepy, but I’m also grateful for it. It’s an odd truth for this work from home self-employed mom. I don’t get out much. Also, there’s a reason Levi has a pretty stellar vocab – I talk to him like he’s 39 too, all day long.
Positive Sidenote: My pup just thinks life is pretty darn swell these days. Multiple walks + tons of fetch, = Kili is happy but ridiculously tired. Dogs rule. And I’ve never looked forward to walking her as much as I do now. Same for watching cute videos of penguins walking around aquariums. This one’s sweet too.
Now that I think of it, maybe the quasi numb, super confused emotional situation is more of a side effect of being super present. Hear me out: not thinking ahead too much, because honestly, it’s out of my hands. So the side effect is not too much worry. Also having day to day life be super pared down with pretty much only necessary obligations and entertainment found at home is a bit of a breath of fresh air. There’s zero pressure to go out and do stuff. So, maybe I’m not numb, just…dare I say, relaxed.
Then there comes the guilt again for feeling relaxed and enjoying my super simplified life.
Then I turn on the news or read twitter and every ounce of me tenses up. So there’s that too.
Just trying to process stuff. Please don’t read into it too much.
Quick story: I took Levi to a park that’s always pretty empty when this was all starting to have the snowball effect. There were signs saying to stay off of the playground equipment (Replaced by crime scene tape a few days later. Nice touch.) He said he didn’t understand and that he could go on the equipment it even if no one was around, so I explained the concept of integrity to him. You just have to do what’s right even if no one is around. And he (miraculously) got it, and we just went and played in a big grassy field and had a blast. Hopefully the metaphor there made sense.
Which leads me to wrap up this mental rambling…
Maybe just doing the right thing when no one is looking: staying home, doing my best to stay healthy (and sane), taking it one day at a time, remaining positive, staying informed but keeping media consumption to a minimum, smiling (until the Today Show does another COVID 19 montage with Alicia Keys singing in the background), learning, creating stuff whenever I can, living and finding the beauty in each day…is the best thing to do, so we all will all be able to be on the playground of life once again sometime soon.
But maybe also realizing a pared-down, simplified day is pretty darn delicious too. The same with big grassy fields.
Hang in there. I honestly have nothing figured out, and I feel like there are way too many tips and to-dos being dished out. Just give yourself some grace, laugh, smile, be grateful, be kind, be kind, be kind, keep the news to a minimum, thank God for Facetime, say thanks as much as possible…and repeat.
Even if it feels like Groundhog Day.
Thank you and good night (It’s now 1:24am)
I know people come here for sunny pics, so I hope you like the one above. I took it while lying on the bottom of a pool in Kauai, with a diving mask on, while Levi was doing cannon balls. La vie est belle.