One morning last week, I did something out of the ordinary: I woke up before Levi, and just sat outside to drink my cup of coffee. You know, one of those simple pleasures of life: quiet moment, fall morning, good strong coffee, totally unplugged from everything but a good deep breath type of deal. It felt good. Really good
But It also took a moment of pure simplicity like that – for me realize and accept that…I’m tired.
Not the physical type of tired that just comes along with life (that’ I’ve gotten really good at powering through). But this kind of mentally fed up throw my hands up and say I’m just over it, something’s gotta give, kind of tired.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m not doing enough, growing enough, sharing enough, or producing enough. Which is just the message that’s being put out there lately as a mom, woman, artist and blogger. And whatever else I am. And man oh man is that message getting harder and harder to ignore.
Even in spite of people’s efforts to call it out, it’s there, it’s strong, it’s scary, and it’s exhausting. In fact, I struggle with it daily. Even though I’m having a blast enjoying life, I do have many moments when I want to bang my head against a wall too.
My days consist of taking care of a child, husband, house (I’m horrible at that part), managing a career, pursuing another one, daily errands and tasks (that I fail at doing until my mom comes in to town)…and taking care of myself. Just typing that made me a tad bit anxious. And I know there are people out there dealing with more. So much more.
But our society/social media/oddly messed up world has this extraordinary ability to have this little annoying voice that just keeps on chirping in my ear the same phrase, “that’s not enough.”
But it is enough. And it is more than enough.
Maybe it’s just me, and I seriously need a mental mute button. And It’s probably called throwing your phone in the ocean. (But I can’t do that. I need it in case my car breaks down or my husband needs to facetime Levi while he’s at work. And when it comes down to it, I love taking pictures with that damn camera.)
But I am just getting so tired of it all.
And it’s a tired that doesn’t go away with a good night’s sleep (which I really need right now too)
So what’s a gal gotta do?
Here’s my plan.
I need to admit the following:
• I’m trying to keep up with myself from five years ago. And stopping that would be a great start. Things have changed. Life has changed. A lot.
• I’m constantly sub consciously comparing myself to others. Or consciously am and feel like such a total hypocrite admitting it.
• I need to just log off for a bit. But the artist in me would hate that. I find pure joy in painting, taking pictures, writing, and having a platform to share it. So maybe I need to just log on…less.
• I really do need to figure out a way to get 8 hours of sleep a night.
• Writing “non highlight reel” posts like this are a much needed thing. Even if they make no sense, they feel great to write.
And I need to do the following
• The second I start to get critical, shift to attitude of gratitude mode.
• Keep on doing my best, and take baby steps each day towards a goal. Even of that goal is just making it to the grocery store.
• Realize that my worth is not something you can put a number on. (Bank Account, Income, followers, likes, etc.)
• Revisit my daily mental and physical health to do list (post coming soon)
• Stop overanalyzing EVERYTHING.
• Breathe and listen to some reggae/Island music daily and just zone out for a few minutes.
• Buy a French Press
• Figure out a way to have quiet, cozy, unplugged early morning cups of coffee outside more often.
There you go.
Wish me luck.
If you’re tired of the word enough…however it applies to you, know I hear you, agree that the struggle sucks, comes in all shapes and forms, and is just so…tiring.
I wish we could all just grab a quiet cup of coffee in the morning to talk about it together someday too.
No phones allowed though.
-Rebekah